Papa is not well, and I miss you very dearly.

Dulu awak cakap space ni untuk kita berdua. That this is created so that I have the freedom to write whatever I want (privately, of course.)

That you are not comfortable with the idea of me getting known to the public. That you are not comfortable with the idea of my writings reaching the public audiences. That I should keep being reserved and you have the privilege to have it all to your own.

And I, obviously have no problem with that. Because you really were that special. 

Even now.

Just last night before I feel asleep, I was thinking, I haven't been dreaming about you lately.

And then, you came in my dream. 

And no shame to that, I continue sleeping as long as I want, just to be with you longer before I was forced to wake up when my phone rang.

You were in the ICU and I was taking care of you. Apparently you cheated death and getting better. And I get to be with you one more time.

This is sad, but this makes me happy even for a short period of time. I'm okay with it.

Because I get to be with you one more time.

11 September 2015. Bulan ke-9.

Patutlah (mungkin) saya mimpi awak dengan keadaan muram, sedih je. Rupanya awak memang ada sesuatu nak minta dari saya.

Minta kemaafan.

Itu sebelum saya dapat tau pasal awak dengan..

Tak apa, sakit memang sakit tapi saya maafkan.

Lagi 3 hari harijadi awak, yang sepatutnya ke-25. Jubli perak. Awak ada tweet pasal jubli perak dulu. Seminggu sebelum awak.. tak ada.

Tadi saya nampak Hana Ahmad tweet pasal Karl. Saya favourite kan.

Saya teringat dia, yang menulis ketika dia patah hati, tentang saya, dan bagaimana buku tu laku.

Dan saya lantas teringat hasrat hati saya yang mahu satu dunia tahu perasaan saya pada awak.

Sebab memang tak cukup. Walaupun awak bersungguh tahu hati saya sepenuhnya milik awak.

Saya akan mula, perlahan-lahan.

Now matter how pathetic this idea might sound.

Dan tadi saya pasang August playlist. Masa tu mungkin awak belum.. curang.

Hari ke-120.

Semalam,

Saya dapat tahu yang awak curang.

100 hari.

Saya bangun pagi, saya tak ingat apa-apa. Rasa blur semacam. Beberapa minit berlalu, baru saya teringat. 

Saya mimpi awak.

And it feels like your way of saying goodbye.

Tapi saya masih tak ingat dengan jelas apa yang jadi. Saya rindu awak. Saya nak sangat beritahu satu dunia betapa saya sayangkan awak. Betapa saya ingat setiap masa, betul-betul, sungguh, setiap masa.

Saya teringatkan awak dalam setiap apa yang saya buat. 

Dulu awak selalu complaint, apa beza blog Siapa dengan blog-blog saya yang lain. Semua sama je. Dan lepas tu kita buka blog ni khas untuk tulisan kita berdua. Tapi nampaknya saya je yang gigih tulis kat sini. Hahaha.

Saya takut, 100 hari berlalu, cara awak panggil saya, suara awak yang memanggil saya, makin... sayup-sayup di telinga saya.

Tolonglah, janganlah pergi.

Tolonglah tinggalkan suara awak, kenangan awak, kuat dalam ingatan saya.

Supaya saya boleh dengar berulang-ulang kali, bila-bila saya rindu awak.

In fact, setiap masa.

Dan, lain kali, saya berharap saya dapat mimpikan awak yang riang gembira, bukannya muram setiap kali. Seolah awak sedih..

Sayang, rindu awak.

:'(

.1

Saya mimpi awak malam tadi aizat.

Awak senyummmm je.

Despite saya tanya bertubi-tubi.

Syaitan nak mengganggu kata awak sebenarnya masih hidup lagi- dan yang sebenarnya awak fake death.

Nauzubillah.

Tapi tak kisah, saya tetap mimpi awak.

:')

Late night rambles.

It's 1:49 am.

It's in the middle on the night where everyone else is sleeping soundly and I'm here like over-thinking things we talk over those long text messages we exchanged just now.

Even at the sound of my (set at lowest speed) standing fan could distract me from focusing on writing this thing. So I turned it off.

I don't know why it bugs me so much.

I don't have many girlfriends, for a start. Maybe I could say I don't have any of them.

Few of best friends, yes. 

So maybe those long text messages with a what I can consider as a casual friend, friend of a friend, talking about personal things, especially one that what Aizat said he could relate so much to me, was actually tells me this girl is, yes, I can relate a bit, here and there but she is no like me. I am no like her.

She, has her own ideas. Her own ideals. Correct, none of them wrong. No opinions are wrong, ever.

Only there are mature opinions and not-so-mature opinions. Or stands, in this case.

Aku bersyukur dengan semua apa yang pernah jadi antara aku dengan Aizat, walaupun kebanyakan masanya sebelum kami bermula tahun lepas aku keseorangan dengan a battle with my own.

Tuhan mendidik aku untuk melihat dengan mata lebih luas dan belajar apa ertinya "compromised" in the very true sense.

Compromised with the cost of losing ourselves, of what we really are for the sake of each other. Differences in thoughts, opinions, way of thinking, these are what 90% of couple are experiencing. 

No opinions are ever wrong, it's just the matter of our preferences. Of our significant other's preferences.

And whether we are ready to sign up for that, for the long run.

I guess I can see those really clear now. Crystal clear.

Nothing hits you more than the second, third, fourth time moment of realization. 

I know I am more mature now, mature enough to know what I want. Mature enough when I know I couldn't just leave Aizat behind for some 'bright-promising lad' when I truly know whom my heart is with. 

Mature enough not to ever give up and dump everything and bail out.

And mature enough to know that love costs you allot. Lol.

Or maybe it's not love, but being in a relationship what costs you allot.

I am sorry but, reading all those long text messages, I can't help myself but thinking, she's a bit selfish, one hopeless romantic, dreamy, and uh.. etc, but in the end I know that's just maybe because she isn't there yet.

On that note I can understand her and be just hoping for the best for her. And it's her life anyway, she has the chance to choose what she wants. Let her choose then. And hope for the best for her. :)

I myself aren't that mature but I figured the basic parts so I got that going for me for now. Which is nice.

.5

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