Papa is not well, and I miss you very dearly.

Dulu awak cakap space ni untuk kita berdua. That this is created so that I have the freedom to write whatever I want (privately, of course.)

That you are not comfortable with the idea of me getting known to the public. That you are not comfortable with the idea of my writings reaching the public audiences. That I should keep being reserved and you have the privilege to have it all to your own.

And I, obviously have no problem with that. Because you really were that special. 

Even now.

Just last night before I feel asleep, I was thinking, I haven't been dreaming about you lately.

And then, you came in my dream. 

And no shame to that, I continue sleeping as long as I want, just to be with you longer before I was forced to wake up when my phone rang.

You were in the ICU and I was taking care of you. Apparently you cheated death and getting better. And I get to be with you one more time.

This is sad, but this makes me happy even for a short period of time. I'm okay with it.

Because I get to be with you one more time.

11 September 2015. Bulan ke-9.

Patutlah (mungkin) saya mimpi awak dengan keadaan muram, sedih je. Rupanya awak memang ada sesuatu nak minta dari saya.

Minta kemaafan.

Itu sebelum saya dapat tau pasal awak dengan..

Tak apa, sakit memang sakit tapi saya maafkan.

Lagi 3 hari harijadi awak, yang sepatutnya ke-25. Jubli perak. Awak ada tweet pasal jubli perak dulu. Seminggu sebelum awak.. tak ada.

Tadi saya nampak Hana Ahmad tweet pasal Karl. Saya favourite kan.

Saya teringat dia, yang menulis ketika dia patah hati, tentang saya, dan bagaimana buku tu laku.

Dan saya lantas teringat hasrat hati saya yang mahu satu dunia tahu perasaan saya pada awak.

Sebab memang tak cukup. Walaupun awak bersungguh tahu hati saya sepenuhnya milik awak.

Saya akan mula, perlahan-lahan.

Now matter how pathetic this idea might sound.

Dan tadi saya pasang August playlist. Masa tu mungkin awak belum.. curang.